Today, the idea of getting married to the first person you meet is ludicrous. When you meet someone, you need to take the time to get to know them… and you only move forward if you feel comfortable.
Yet we often think we should stick with the first therapist we find, even when things don’t feel right and we’re struggling to build that crucial therapeutic alliance.
This misplaced loyalty is harmful, because that alliance is exactly what makes therapy work.
Table of Contents
What is the therapeutic alliance?
The therapeutic alliance is the connection that makes you feel safe enough to really open up. It’s not about liking your therapist as a friend – it’s about trusting them enough to do the deep work. Any therapeutic relationship needs vulnerability to succeed.
This therapeutic alliance actually predicts therapy success rates better than any degree or technique.
How to recognize the therapeutic alliance
- You feel heard without judgment
- You can share anything with them, even things that embarrass or upset you
- Your therapist adapts to your needs and respects your boundaries
- You trust them and believe in their ability to help you
- You look forward to your next session
Transference vs. Alliance problems
It’s completely normal to feel angry, frustrated, or sometimes even hate your therapist. These feelings are echoes from the past – emotions you’ve felt (or feel) toward other people that get projected onto your therapist. A skilled clinician understands this phenomenon and will help you explore it, since it’s valuable therapeutic material.
There’s a crucial difference between the temporary discomfort of effective therapy and a real alliance problem. Red flags include feeling judged or looked down on, sensing that your boundaries aren’t respected or your needs aren’t heard. If you consistently leave sessions feeling genuinely bad – not just stirred up by the work, but actually dreading your next appointment – that’s concerning. If you feel fundamentally unsafe or completely misunderstood session after session, it might be time to reconsider the relationship.
Transference can be intense, but you’ll still trust your therapist. A problematic therapeutic alliance means you’re probably incompatible.
How to build and maintain the therapeutic alliance
The therapeutic alliance rarely clicks immediately, especially if you’re dealing with trauma or have trust issues in general. If you’re uncertain, give it at least 2-3 sessions before deciding.
If you have specific needs or requests, speak up early. You have every right to advocate for yourself, and good therapists will accommodate you when possible. Remember that feeling uncomfortable in early sessions doesn’t mean the alliance isn’t forming. Relax, your therapist is human too. We don’t bite.
When it doesn’t work out
Sometimes, despite everyone’s best efforts, it just doesn’t click. The therapeutic alliance never forms – you’re not a good match.
You can leave by saying you don’t feel like continuing, or that you think you need a different approach – no need to elaborate. Your therapist might even refer you to a colleague if you’re looking for something specific. If you can’t bring yourself to have that conversation, at least don’t just ghost your therapist. It’s unfair to them and to other clients who could use that appointment slot. You can always claim an emergency and say you’ll reschedule later. We’re used to it – we know we’re not right for everyone, no matter how good we are at what we do.
Most importantly, don’t let this experience stop you from going to therapy altogether. That would be like swearing off dating after a single terrible date. You deserve to find a therapist who’s right for you and who can help you take care of your mental health.
Conclusion
The therapeutic alliance is like a marriage – you need to find someone you feel able to weather storms with. This human connection matters more than all the credentials in the world. Without it, even the most skilled therapist with the best techniques can’t help you.
So take your time. The right therapist is out there waiting for you – you just need to find them.